Entertainment Today

Happy Labor Day weekend! Nurse your work-week hangover with some hair of the news:

EMMY MAD(MEN)NESS: While Mad Men kept dominating, major surprises included Modern Family’s ascension to the top comedy spot ahead of Glee, Top Chef’s triumph over The Amazing Race and Jim Parson’s big win. Then, of course, there was the fact that Jimmy Fallon was born to run host. E! Online had you covered on all fronts, from what the beautiful people said and wore on the red carpet to the show’s best and worst moments to the after parties’ greatest hits. You know, your usual complete, can’t-be-beat coverage.

SIN IN THE CITY: Paris Hilton, perhaps envious of former party pal Lindsay Lohan’s string of headlines, got herself back in the news by getting busted for cocaine possession in Las Vegas. With no one rushing to claim the gum coke as theirs, like they did when Paris was twice popped for pot while traveling abroad this summer, she claimed the purse she was carrying wasn’t hers. Which apparently doesn’t make any difference. Who thinks her newly unemployed boyfriend Cy Waits is a bad influence? Of course, that depends on whether or not Paris minds not being able to stay at any Steve Wynn-owned establishments.

DANCING DRAMA: WWK pretty much nailed the season 11 lineup (10 of 12 contestants confirmed way ahead of ABC’s schedule, natch), but who knew that Jennifer Grey’s desire to do Dancing With the Stars helped her nip cancer in the bud? Here’s a lineup of who’s dancing with whom.

EAT YOUR HEART OUT: Why would Ashton Kutcher cheat on this?! Well, apparently not, but I guess that was Demi Moore’s point when she posted smokin’ hot bikini pics of herself on Twitter. Man, she really spends a lot of time in her bathroom while dressed for the beach.

REALITY’S OVERRATED: Bethenny Frankel has had enough of the Real Housewives of New York and won’t be back next season. Obviously, it’s time to get back to her private life and focus on Bethenny Getting Married.

BACK IN THE SADDLE: There’s no mistaking now that three-time divorcé Jesse James is giving it a go with tattoo artist Kat Von D, who says she doesn’t follow blogs and tabloids…which explains a lot about what the hell she’s getting herself into…Sandra Bullock opened up about life after the fact.

SCARY ON THE SET: An extra working on Transformers 3 needed brain surgery after a towing cable smashed through the windshield of a car she was in and struck her in the head. We’re happy to hear that Gabriela Cedillo is now in stable condition.

NETWORK NIGHTMARE: A gunman took hostages at Discovery Channel headquarters in Maryland before being shot dead by police.

BEWARE OF DOG: Samantha Ronson was apparently asleep inside when her bulldog fatally attacked a neighbor’s Maltese that was roaming around in the hallway of their apartment building. Sam felt terrible—we feel sorry for all of the dog owners involved—and that was before she found out she could face criminal charges.

LOVE SHACKS: Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson have ditched their rented Bel-Air digs, but hey, they’ve got to have somewhere to unwind after the stress of shooting the Breaking Dawn birth…Hilary Duff may be on her way to Pittsburgh with her Penguin hubby…Kristin Cavallari isn’t interfering with Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler’s passes.

WEDDING BELLS: Chad Lowe took a wife for the second time, producer Kim Painter…Onetime Bachelorette fiancé Jesse Csincsak found the real thing with Bachelor castoff Ann Lueders.

BROKEN BELLS: Slash filed for divorce from wife Perla Ferrar.

BABY BOOM: No trouble here, Céline Dion is still in the bloom of pregnancy…It’s gonna be a girl for Big Love’s Patrick Fabian…Mad Men’s Rich Sommer begat a son…It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia husband-and-wife costars Rob McElhenney and Kaitlin Olsen made a baby…Jody Sweetin’s house is fuller.

KEEPING UP: Kim Kardashian explains why she’s a good egg…the Kardashian family was presented with the key to Beverly Hills on 90210 day!…Kendall Jenner lands a Louca Couture campaign.

ELSEWHERE IN TV LAND: Snooki’s ex, Jeff Miranda, isn’t so great at proposing but he’s awesome at brawling on camera…America’s Got Talent semifinals set…An Office movie? If Harvey Keitel’s in it, they should call it Bad District Manager…Randy Jackson is “locked in”…True Blood scoop…Can’t wait for the premiere of Conan!…Meet the new cast of The Amazing Race…Mariska Hargitay lending her services to Los Angeles…Michael Douglas talked cancer on Letterman…Glee and Flight of the Conchords stars hit The Simpsons…Glee doesn’t pay as well as one might think…What TV couple is getting married?…SPOILER ZONE!

MOVIE MOVES: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen’s little sis Elizabeth has an indie to call her own, and she didn’t need to make out with Ben Kingsley…Ryan Reynolds and Bradley Cooper teaming up for a buddy-cop comedy.

MUSICAL NOTES: “Chris Brown” and “No. 1″ are being used in the same sentence again, only this time “No. 1″ isn’t followed by “a-hole”…No love lost between Axl Rose and Dublin concertgoers…Fantasia Barrino lands solidly second to Katy Perry…Rihanna got waxed…Miranda Lambert leads the CMA Awards field with nine noms, including Entertainer of the Year…Miley Cyrus joined Justin Bieber onstage at Madison Square Garden…Hear the new Lady Gaga song…John Lennon’s toilet sold at auction for $14,740.

FEUDAL TIMES: Bill O’Reilly didn’t start this one! John Cusack takes on “satanic death cult” Fox News…Chris Robinson might ogle a picture of Taylor Swift but he wouldn’t buy her music.

CRIME & PUNISHMENT: Paris and Lindsay once helped keep our city safe…Chris Klein, fresh from rehab, gets lots of probation and time served for DUI…Getting busted along with his wife for pot possession might not bode well for T.I.’s parole…David Letterman’s attempted extortionist is out of prison…Idoler Asia’h Epperson charged with battery…George Michael finally decided to go to rehab after his latest smash hit.

CIVIL WARS: Paris Hilton might owe money for bailing on Pledge This!…Nicolas Cage settled the lawsuits pertaining to his mishandled fortune…Danielle Staub still battling ex-husband Kevin Maher.

SLOPPY SECONDS: Knowing that she’s a darn fine actress, Lindsay Lohan has hired Britney Spears‘ former manager and career revitalizer, Larry Rudolph, along with his colleague Adam Leber.

NICE THREADS: Victoria Beckham’s designer collection is up for label of the year at the British Fashion Awards…PETA likes Lea Michele, Kellan Lutz and Olivia Munn’s style…The mayor of Venice would prefer that Julianne Moore wear more clothes.

ME GIRL, YOU EX: Chelsea Handler is no longer doing the wild thing with Animal Planet guy Dave Salmoni.

SEEN: Jennifer Aniston supping at Madeo’s in West Hollywood with sometime dinner date Chris Gartin…Kelly Osbourne performing with the Pussycat Dolls burlesque group at the Viper Room in WeHo…Lindsay Lohan enjoying Chateau Marmont with new entourage member Adam Leber…The new Dancing With the Stars cast (minus The Situation) getting acquainted at STK, also in the bustling burg of WeHo…Rob Pattinson hitting up Jimmy Fallon’s post-Emmys party at Trousdale in, where else, WeHo.

SUMMER LOVIN’: Keep voting for your favorites pop culture happenings in our Best of Summer section and see who you picked to be summer 2010’s reigning royal couple.

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It usually doesn’t get bigger than our Big Picture gallery, but there was so much to see at the 62nd Primetime Emmy Awards!

Review in a Hurry: Badass character actor Danny Trejo finally gets to topline an action movie courtesy of his pal Robert Rodriguez. And, to be kind, let’s just say we find out why he’s mostly only been a character actor to date. Still, there’s enough bloodshed and babe-itude here to satisfy the voracious viewer.

The Bigger Picture: Don’t get us wrong; Danny Trejo is awesome. Ever since his Machete character first debuted in more PG-rated form as the kindly, tech-savvy uncle of Rodriguez’s Spy Kids, we’ve been wanting to see more, and the once-fake trailer at the beginning of Grindhouse looked like just the ticket. The problem is that it may have made us imagine a far better movie than Rodriguez and Trejo were capable of delivering.

The opening scene of the full-length feature, in which Machete loses everything at the hands of evil druglord Torrez (Steven Seagal, in a hilarious spray-on tan and fake Latin accent) is pitch-perfect, from the scratched-up film to the gore-gushing beheadings at the hands of Trejo and his blade. And matters proceed reasonably entertainingly from there, at least for a while, as we skip ahead three years to see Machete among a larger group of illegal day-laborers, secretly aided by taco vendor Luz (Michelle Rodriguez) and hunted by border patrol agent Sartana (Jessica Alba).

When Machete is hired—under threat of death—to knock off immigration-hawk senator John McLaughlin (Robert De Niro) by the oily Mr. Booth (Jeff Fahey), he smells a rat but goes along with it anyway, only to find himself set up in an attempt to ignite a race war. Meanwhile, Booth’s daughter (Lindsay Lohan!) is causing him some trouble via—here’s a shocker!—her drug habits.

Much of what ensues involves ludicrously big guns, campy performances, and some lovingly crass exploitation, so it feels a tad churlish to criticize what, by all rights, should be critic-proof.

And yet…we never learn anything much about Machete as a character (as this appears to be a wholly different continuity from the Spy Kids films he was in prior), and Trejo seems a bit adrift, inexpressive not quite in the cool, Clint Eastwood sort of way, but more like an overwhelmed, what-do-I-do-now fashion.

And it isn’t entirely clear what the tone is. The scratchy film disappears after scene one, and a hilariously crude intestines gag is over-the-top and never again equaled. Potential sex scenes are faded out before Trejo has to make any move at all.

There’s still a lot of fun to be had when he actually does pick up that signature blade and start chopping, but when it comes to Trejo taking the spotlight, we were hoping for more snarly, less sedate. The showdown with Seagal is a letdown, and Lohan’s character arc is downright confusing. But Cheech Marin and Don Johnson are a hoot, as is Predators director Nimrod Antal in an unusual cameo.

The 180—a Second Opinion: Folks with strong opinions on the illegal immigration debate, especially those in favor of a border fence, may take offense to the movie’s politics. Taking any of this too seriously, however, would be a mistake.

PHOTOS: Movies From the Future!

Review in a Hurry: If you like beautifully composed, static shots of George Clooney being kinda quiet in Italy, this is your movie. If you were hoping for much else, it ain’t.

The Bigger Picture: This is the movie that was made especially for people who thought Michael Clayton was too fast-paced. If you’re reading this on a computer screen, you’re probably not one of them.

Clooney, wearing a beard, is hanging out in the snow somewhere. A couple people die, because he might be a hitman, or an assassin, or something. Then he’s in Italy, without the beard, trying to chill out. Which he does. He has sex with a prostitute and falls for her. Improbably, she falls for him right back, as hookers only do in movies.

Then Clooney builds a gun out of mail-order parts that look like fishing rods. He stares a lot. Talks to this one woman who also seems to be a hitwoman, or assassin, or something. Makes friends with a priest. Gets his car fixed. Every once in a while, there’s a gunshot.

And that’s pretty much it.

Since this movie was lensed in Italy and directed by Anton Corbijn, best known for his gritty, black and white photos of the likes of Johnny Cash and U2, it’s no surprise that every shot here is gorgeous. If The American were a coffee-table book rather than a movie, we’d give it an A.

But the oblique, minimalist approach to narrative implies that there’s something more to get here than the usual “hitman who wants to retire” clichés, and there really isn’t. It’s like being given a connect-the-dots puzzle, only to find out it contains just four dots.

The 180—a Second Opinion: If you can get into the zen-like state this movie requires of you, there is a hypnotic quality that might suck you in. And make you want to visit small towns in Italy.

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PHOTOS: Movies From the Future!

We’ve taken the liberty of freshly brewing a cup of scoop and preparing your news over easy:

SITUATIONAL HAZARD: Maybe ABC should take a page from a playbook that isn’t stolen all the time. We’ve already been told by the utmost reliable sources that Bristol Palin, Michael “The Situation” Sorrentino, Michael Bolton, David Hasselhoff, Florence Henderson, Audrina Patridge, Rick Fox, Brandy, Margaret Cho and Jennifer Grey, who’s already practicing her lifts (with Derek Hough!), are in it to win it this season on Dancing WIth the Stars. Oh, and ABC will be unveiling the lineup Monday during Bachelor Pad.

OUT AND ABOUT: Lindsay Lohan, who may or may not understand the meaning of the term sponsor, was discharged after 23 days of inpatient treatment at UCLA Medical Center, leaving her free to attend counseling four times a week, submit to random drug testing twice a week, go to AA or likeminded meetings five times a week and not leave California. If she breaks the rules, into the slammer she goes for 30 days. Sure, Lindsay’s new routine doesn’t leave a lot of time for making a spectacle of herself, but she’ll have to get used to it.

SINGLE IN THE USA: Miley Cyrus, being 17 and all, isn’t in the mood to be in a serious relationship anymore. Good for her. But 17 is also that age when playing “Everybody Hurts” on repeat for five hours seems like an appropriate response to the slightest of slights, so we feel for her in case Liam Hemsworth wasn’t the best boyfriend. Or, maybe Miley doesn’t care one bit.

DISGRACE OF CAKES?: Cake Boss star decorator Remegio “Remy” Gonzalez is behind bars in New Jersey and facing criminal sex charges for allegedly assaulting a minor.  A police affidavit states that Gonzalez confessed to having relations with the alleged victim on at least two occasions.

TAKING A MULLIGAN: Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren are no longer married after a judge signed off on their fast-tracked divorce. Elin admits she’s “been through hell,” Tiger admits to making “a lot of errors” and all the money and kid stuff has been hammered out. Considering he probably doesn’t find promiscuity that exciting anymore, maybe Tiger will finally take up competitive golf again.

FEUDAL TIMES: John Mayer vs. The Huffington Post (e.g. “Go f–k yourself”) for daring to suggest he and Jennifer Aniston were back on…Levi Johnston returns to the Early Show to cast another stone at the Palin family…Drew Barrymore harps on  “bitch” reporter who previously harped on Drew’s troubled adolescence…Paul McCartney’s no rocket man…Sean Penn objects to the word feud when it comes to him and Wyclef Jean…Bill O’Reilly feels the need to mention Kim Kardashian and Justin Bieber’s perceived missteps. 

BABY TALK: John Travolta and Kelly Preston are having a boy…She’s 4, not a baby anymore, but Larry Birkhead caught us up on all things Dannielynn…Army Wives‘ Catherine Bell welcomes her second child with hubby Adam Beason. 

WEDDING BELLS: Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer take a bite out of marriage…Julio Iglesias makes an honest woman of his partner of 20 years, Miranda Rijnsburger.

BROKEN BELLS: Already separated, Jana Kramer files for divorce from Johnathon Schaech after two months of marriage…Cheryl Hines‘ husband, Paul West, files for divorce after eight years.

LAW & ORDER: As the court turns around Leonardo DiCaprio, the actor secures a restraining order and his face-slasher is ordered to trial…Chris Brown acing probation so far…First, Paris Hilton’s alleged intruder gets a gun pulled on him by her boyfriend Cy “Dirty Harry” Waits, then he’s charged with attempted burglary…Mel Gibson domestic violence case goes to D.A., sheriff’s investigators still toiling on Oksana Grigorieva’s alleged extortion plot…Still no prison for Wesley Snipes as he pushes for new trial…More charges for Montana Fishburne…Paul Hogan stuck in Australia…Sons of Anarchy biker popped on the road… George Michael admits to using and driving…Faith Evans busted for DUI.

CIVIL WARS: Taylor Lautner feels he didn’t get the trailer he deserves…Lindsay probably appreciates the break from criminal court, anyway…No resolution in the Kanye West-Suge Knight beef…Randy Quaid takes himself to court.

TRAUMA CENTER: Whoopi Goldberg drops out of Sister Act on the London stage after mom suffers a stroke…Timbaland turns out to be completely fine, though his wife and mother-in-law feared he was suicidal over a lost watch…Sofia Vergara’s boyfriend, Nick Loeb, recovering after getting banged up in a car crash…Katharine McPhee “sore but OK” after a car wreck…Fantasia Barrino opens up about her suicide attempt.

FAREWELL: Nancy Dolman, Martin Short’s wife of 30 years, dies at 58.

KEEPING UP: The Kardashian sisters get sexy for Entertainment Weekly…Kim anxiously awaits Justin Bieber’s 18th b-day…Kourtney and Khloé take their Scott Disick disagreement to Twitter. 

TV LAND: The Creative Arts Emmys kick off a very celebratory week…Mexico’s Jimena Navarrete crowned Miss Universe 2010…Kara DioGuardi wanted off of Idol, not the other way around?…Little People, Big World ending on TLC…Will Forte leaving Saturday Night Live…Meet the new Apprentice cast…and the new Biggest Loser cast…Check out AMC’s The Walking Dead…SPOILER ZONE!

FILM SCHOOL: Angelina Jolie officially making her feature directorial debut…Jeremy Renner could join Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible IV…Kristen Bell and Anna Paquin signing on for Scream 4…Francis Ford Coppola among honorary Oscar recipients…Katie Holmes in talks to do a comedy with Adam Sandler and Al Pacino…Jessica Alba headed to Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World…James Franco exerts himself in the 127 Hours trailer.

MUSICAL NOTES: Joel Madden brings Harlow along for a Good Charlotte promo…Drake wanted people to believe that Nicki Minaj was the best he’d ever had…

AFTERLIFE SAVINGS: Movies, TV and books with vampires in them have grossed $7 billion over the past two years.

SEEN: Jessica Simpson, looking too big for a blind few, gorgeous for most on her way to a charity luncheon in West Hollywood…Kate Winslet and model boyfriend Louis Dowler having a date night in London…Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens vacationing in Maui…Britney Spears baking on the beach in Hawaii…David Arquette throwing a 21st-birthday party for Hayden Panettiere in Ann Arbor, Mich….Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz picking up toys for Bronx at Target in L.A….Justin Bieber and his dad riding waves in Barbados.

EMMY PREVIEW: E! Online will be bringing you its most extensive Emmys coverage yet this Sunday, from the red carpet to backstage to the afterparties. In the meantime, check out all of our preview features and get your glamour engine going by oohing and aahing over the most fabtastic looks from ceremonies past. And we can already report that Conan won’t be joking about NBC if he wins Outstanding Host for The Tonight Show.

SUMMER LOVIN’: Have you been keeping up with our Best of Summer 2010 polls and galleries? Pick your faves in all sorts of categories and then page through dozens of pictures for a quick refresher course in all things hot from the last couple months.

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Nothing gets by us—especially if it’s on Twitter! Check out our Big on Twitter gallery to see what folks are saying about Lady Gaga, Drake’s fake marriage and, as usual, Justin Bieber.

Review in a Hurry: A nasty spirit may (or may not) be causing all sorts of schizophrenic mayhem on numerous Linda Blair wannabes. But producer Eli Roth’s The Last Exorcism doesn’t reconcile the real identity crisis: a script that can’t stop making jokes, undermining the scary stuff with too many giggles and not enough shrieks.

The Bigger Picture: Reverend Cotton Marcus (Patrick Fabian) is a Southern preacher without faith. After years of swindling folks out of their hard-earned savings he’s changed his ways and wants to blow the lid off the church’s latest cash grab: performing phony exorcisms. So he’s hired a documentary film crew to expose the truth (Yep, Exorcism is yet another “found footage” film.)

Cotton meets Louis Sweetzer (Louis Herthum) a Louisiana farmer who’s convinced his teenage daughter Nell (Ashley Bell) is possessed by a demon.

Right away, the exorcism feels overly familiar: the shaky bed, the loud un-earthly sounds, paintings falling from the walls (where’s the pea soup?). But then (with some clever editing) Cotton is seen a few hours earlier proudly displaying his tools of the trade: hidden speakers, fishing wire and a cross that emits smoke at the push of a button. A run-of-the-mill exorcism suddenly becomes a genuinely funny scene. At the center of it all is Cotton, relishing every chance to show off. He’s a charmer who makes a great first impression.

And The Last Exorcism is a lot like Cotton. The film’s frankness about the pitfalls of the possession genre has a way of disarming you. But that strength starts to unravel as the story becomes more traditional.

Eventually, the horror portion of the story takes over with Nell possessed for a second time (Cotton hasn’t rigged this one). Twisting her body in all manner of that-just-ain’t-rightness, newcomer Bell seems to be channeling Jennifer Carpenter (Dexter) from The Exorcism of Emily Rose. And Bell herself is crazy double-jointed, so no CGI, giving the film an aura of authenticity.

Creepy? Yes, but scary? Um…

Once Possessed Nell switches to the mandatory demon voice—a crucial moment—the terror goes south. Sounding about as threatening as a teen cursing for the first time, the voice prompts unintentional laughs. Part of the problem is that unconvincing demon voice, but the bigger issue is that half of the running time has been spent revealing just how silly a film about a satanic teen can be. From there, Exorcism never quite recovers. The big finale (which we won’t spoil) feels lifted from another, more generic film.

The 180—a Second Opinion: OK, there is one scary scene, when Possessed Nell gets ahold of a video camera while everyone else is sleeping and goes…exploring. What follows is genuinely unnerving. Demon POV!

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Photos: Totally New Releases!

Review in a Hurry: A well-rounded cast of character actors (plus Paul Walker) tries to pull off a big robbery while obnoxious alcoholic cop Matt Dillon attempts to stop them. Very nearly a good little heist movie, Takers generates the occasional interesting plot twist but fails at the most basic level of creating characters worth caring about.

The Bigger Picture: The bank robbery that kicks off Takers delivers a few genuine surprises, not the least of which is that Hayden Christensen can capably fool people into thinking he’s someone other than who he is. And it’s cool to see a movie so color-blind in its casting that actors both black and white are equal-opportunity, elitist asskickers. Christensen’s A.J. sports the most prison-style tatts, while Michael Ealy’s Jake is the biggest Scotch snob.

It doesn’t spoil much to reveal that the initial heist goes down as smoothly as 10-year-old Macallan. But of course, the inevitable “one last job” rears its head as former team member Ghost (Tip “T.I.” Harris, giving his best ’90s-era Snoop Dogg snarl) gets out of prison, possessing a confidential armored car route he snagged from a Russian gangster. Though it violates the team’s usual sense of planning and discretion, they move fast to plan a smooth car-jacking in the next five days.

Meanwhile Dillon’s Detective Welles is busy trying to find clues to solve the first robbery, but it doesn’t help that he’s hugely unprofessional and yells at everybody. Partner Hatcher (Jay Hernandez) tries to mellow him out, but even this nice-guy cop has issues.

As does the script. It’s cool to see a movie that doesn’t feel the need to make everyone likable, but the four credited screenwriters here don’t manage to make anyone worthy of our sympathy, from the rub-it-in-our-faces-rich thieves to the corrupted cops who pursue them. Idris Elba’s Gordon Jennings is given a drug-addicted sister in lieu of character development; a brief cameo by Zoe Saldana suffices for both Ghost’s and Jake’s backstory. When we see toward the end that singer-turned-actor Chris Brown’s character is apparently an expert in parkour, one might wonder why this wasn’t established sooner.

Most hilarious about Takers is the way it goes out of its way to point out that what we’re watching takes place in Los Angeles. Characters gratuitously drop references to the La Brea Tar Pits, Hollywood Walk of Fame, Pershing Square, the Farmer’s Market and so on so often that you could easily make a drinking game out of it. Yet out of towners won’t care, and locals will probably shrug.

The 180—a Second Opinion: Considering there is no clear sympathetic protagonist, we will say this—the climax legitimately keeps you guessing as to who will prevail.

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Photos: Totally New Releases!